Thursday, October 6, 2011

Self doubt...

My father has always been a dreamer. He has had so many businesses in his mind and on practice I can barely keep track. Hot dogs stands by the beach, carpet cleaning, granite counter tops, real estate and the list goes on and on. He is never satisfied and always has a new idea or plan in mind. I worked for him in his granite business up until the end of my pregnancy last year. I told him I had to move on and pursue my own goals, have a career, make a living for myself. I was now a mother and soon to be wife I needed to go back to school and establish myself doing something I loved and could make a living off of it.

I'm now 25 years old, a mom , a wife and part time make up artist. Sure I love doing make up and my dream is...well it has been many things, a spa, a traveling makeup service, a beauty salon an actress... or maybe I would just be happy being a medical assistant because then I would just have a 9-5 job where I could enjoy my weekend with family and friends and most of it all... it would be EASY AND GUARANTEED. Nah...Truth is I would love having anything to do with the beauty industry. I'm starting school to get my aesthetics certificate in November. It sounds much easier just getting a job at a spa, but my mind goes so far beyond that. I look at all these make up on the go businesses thriving everywhere around me and while it amazes me it makes me question myself... Will I ever have that? Do I have enough time , power, enthusiasm and confidence? There is so much competition and for as much as being a part of these companies is an amazing opportunity could I really grow as a make up artist in another persons company? Would I make enough working as freelancer? It always sounds like it's either not enough work for the amount of employees or not enough money for all the hard work I would be putting in. There is always a catch. You have to pick and choose what it worth it to you and I guess when your starting you have to start at the bottom, learning and growing and usually under someone else. Especially when you have a baby.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll end up a dreamer like my father... talking about my dreams and never actually being about them. Starting things I could never finish. I can't actually even compare because my dad has always had the balls to start his dreams. Even if he has failed in the past. I just have a lot of mouth to talk. I was so confident 2 hours ago and now all I have is self doubt. The thought that so many girls my age have accomplished so much and I feel like I have nothing to speak for.It just seems like I've had so many dreams and never pursued any, and yes I take all the blame. I was lazy, not confident, and a punk.I know I've been getting recognition for my work at MAC and my freelancing gigs and my clientele is growing but I guess at the end of the day, everyone just wants their gold star huh?



  1. Oh Hunny... just found your blog through Sarah V. And that this is the first one I came across, and man did it hit home!! I too have had the exact same struggle ... and the all the lingering questions.. If I just would have started my YT channel sooner before the big explosion of every young girl suddenly being a guru, if I just would done this or that... but all that is in the past. I still struggle with making it as a makeup artist... should I just go back to my old career, so much easier but so not as fulfilling. It is hard but chasing after your dreams or even fulfilling them will rarely be easy but at the end of the day you can look back and say you went for it and will never have a what if hanging over you.
    I wish you well and sending you hugs... thanks for letting me know I wasn't the only one going through it.

  2. Exactly my feelings...I have been watching youtube videos for the years and never did anything with it... except that it did help me grow as an artist. Sarah has been telling me to start my youtube channel.. and I want to but I thought I would start with a blog first! :) Thank u for the support! I wish u well :)